My wife has left me.

As best I can tell, she has been replaced by a bear; a little, sleepy bear genetically altered to look exactly like my wife.

This wife-bear has been so perfectly designed to look like Rachel that it actually took me a few weeks to notice. But I think the switch occurred around the same time that the fall college semester got under way.

My wife is studying nutrition, and has signed up for a whopping 20 credits -- 9 courses -- this semester. So, of course, it's not odd for a healthy gal to eat lots of nuts and berries and fish (no grubs, though).

But my first clue that a little sleepy bear had replaced my wife was the fact that our conversations were suddenly really one-sided:

LIFE FILES Discuss: Celebrate Unusual Holidays? E-mail: Get Advice Archive: Past LifeFiles

ME: So, how was your day?
WIFE-BEAR: Grrrrrr
ME: Uh-huh. It was a tough day for me, too. You hungry?
WIFE-BEAR: Raaaarrrrrr
ME: Nuts and berries? Again?
WIFE-BEAR: Gnaaaah
ME: And fish, right. Let me guess, you want salmon.

As time goes on, I'm noticing more and more bear-like traits.

The National Park Service says, "Bears are not highly social."

Admittedly, the woman I married isn't exactly the nightclub type, but this wife-bear I'm living with does little more than stare at books and sleep.

The National Audubon Society says bears are not always aware of their surroundings. This is certainly true of the wife-bear -- especially after a long period of book staring.

Just about every resource I have checked with seriously advises against interrupting a bear's sleep. The same can be said of my wife-bear. Although 9 a.m. is two hours later than when the wife-bear and I would normally get out of bed on a weekday, serious bruising can occur if I try to convince the wife-bear to go for a Saturday morning hike.

The Audubon Society also suggests that some bears may actually like pepper spray. The wife-bear likes spicy food.

When it comes to food, the experts suggest that it's best not to interfere between a bear and its meal. "Bears don't share," they say. Again, serious bruising may occur if one attempts to take some pudding, or any other chocolate-based foodstuff, from the wife-bear.

Now, to be honest, I'm not too concerned by the wife-bear. She has a tendency to show up during the school year, and she has been appearing with increasing regularity as my wife draws closer to earning her degree.

When she earns that degree, she will be the first woman in her family to have ever done so.

From there, she's planning to move straight on to her master's degree, so it looks as if I will have to get used spending time with the wife-bear. And that's fine, because I am so proud of her (and amazed at how well she does), as is my family.

My dad once told me that he likes to pretend that Rachel is actually his daughter, and I'm just some guy she knows.

But I will admit that I am really looking forward to the end of the semester, when I can have my wife back, even if it's only for the winter break.

Because trying to be amorous with a bear can be really dangerous.

Chris Cope is married, with no children. His column appears every other Tuesday.