Dear Alana & Eddie,
Here's my story: I dated a guy for about five years total (I met him in college). During the relationship, there were the normal ups and downs, and even a couple one- or two-day break-ups. We always got back together. Our timing always seemed a little off. I was one year ahead of him, and when I was a senior I was interested in my friends and all the things I wouldn't have when I left college. While I was going through that, I neglected him a bit, assuming he'd always be there anyway.
I graduated, and he was senior. I missed him a lot that school year, and he went through the same thing I did when I was a senior. He began to neglect me and stray from me, too. You can see what I mean by bad timing. We ended up breaking up for a couple months at the end of his senior year. I decided to go to his graduation because I knew how important graduating from college was to him, and I didn't want to miss it. Shortly after that, we got back together.
Things were great after that. We dated for another year and got engaged. We decided to wait two years to save enough money to pay for a nice wedding. During that time, we started fighting a little more. I noticed him pulling away, and not being very interested in the wedding or anything to do with it. I confronted him on it and two months before the wedding we decided to call it off. He wasn't ready. He said he couldn't help but feel that he may have missed out on something. He also said he realized that he had been treating me poorly for the past few months and that it wasn't fair to me. He moved out.
We have been broken up for a year now. Since then, I have dated many other guys, nothing serious. He has dated a few girls, nothing serious. I just can't help but still think that I won't find anyone I love as much as I love him. We have been talking recently ... and I am now really missing him. He has told me that he really misses me as well, that it's hard to hear about me dating other people.
I was never in a hurry to get married. I liked being in a committed relationship with him, but wasn't desperate for a ring. I was shocked when he asked me. I was ready, but it wasn't my main concern. I wonder if it would ever work to go back to dating him.
Do you think timing could be enough to deter a relationship? Do you think it could possibly work out again? Or should I cut off all ties and move on?

EDDIE SAYS:
Is timing enough to deter a relationship? Well, is it enough to ruin a political campaign, or a business deal, or a sporting event, or a college application? Of course it is. Geography can also mess things up (which is pretty much the same as timing, for an Einsteinian perspective, but that's another story...). So can family situations, money problems and pretty much anything else you can think of that would be on a person's mind.

But your question is really should timing end this relationship. Honestly, it doesn't even sound like timing is a factor anymore. I'll stipulate that college time can somewhat be disregarded, but you were still together for nearly two years after that, and decided to break up. Now you're back in each other's orbits. That's fine. Obviously you have some sort of connection (as if five years together wouldn't do that on its own), and if you both still have the feelings, then give it a shot.

However, if for whatever reason it doesn't work this time, you really might want to consider the possibility that it's just not meant to be, and start looking someplace less familiar for your future.

ALANA SAYS:
As a good friend of mine once said as he waded his way out of a bad relationship, "Timing is everything."

And it's true. You and your man have to be at the same place in your life at the same time in order to build a future together.

I had a somewhat related experience -- I was a year ahead of a guy I dated, but after I graduated from college, things fell apart pretty quickly. I'm glad we were given such a test, because it gave me a chance to realize that we weren't meant to be.

You've survived a lot of timing problems already. But since things still aren't working out, it could be that this young man still isn't in the same place as you are. It sounds like he wants to "find out what he's missed" before he settles down.

Do you want to wait around for that? It's up to you, but I wouldn't advise putting your life on hold for something that may never happen.

Dear Alana & Eddie,
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met 12 years ago, while I was married. The only time I cheated on my marriage was with him. We ran back into each other in December 2000, and have been together almost every night since. He's 36, divorced, with no kids. I'm 32, divorced, with a 14-year-old daughter.
When we first met, I knew it was love at first sight. After we found each other again, he started coming to my place and staying over every night. I didn't ask or expect him to, but I love it when he does. (I had a long talk with my daughter before and she was OK with it. She also refers to him as her stepdad, she has also already asked when can she call him daddy and change her last name to his.)
I try not to assume anything about our relationship, because that will come back to bite you. He helps me out at times when I need help with my bills or whatever. Most of the time he acts like he wants to be in serious relationship, but there are times when he acts like he wants to be single again. Example: He has a set of rules for him and how he can act, and he has a set of rules for me and how I should act. It's not "what's fair for you is fair for me."
If he does or says something that makes me mad, I'll talk to him about it, and most times he reminds me that we're not married, and this is why he didn't want to get back in a relationship. I promptly remind him: "You're still single and you set the pace of this relationship at the start and you won't back it up now."
How do I figure out if he wants to be in a relationship or not? He has mentioned us moving in together about twice, but that was over a year ago. Any advice?

ALANA SAYS:
So, you've had a boyfriend for a year and a half, and you love him, and he makes you mad sometimes. ... What exactly is the problem again?

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Seriously, it sounds like you're making something out of nothing. If he acts like he wants to be in a serious relationship "most of the time," that's maybe all you can ask at this point. He's likely still recovering from his divorce, as are you. A year and a half isn't really that long in the scheme of things. I'm guessing he does want to be with you, but hasn't completely made up his mind about committing -- which is fine, given where you are in your relationship.

However, the "set of rules" thing is a bit troublesome. But my guess is that you have no problem letting him know when you think he's not being fair. I'm not really sure what you mean about the set of rules being different, but my guess is that he thinks he can act single sometimes. I can understand that that'd be pretty irritating ... but, then again, he is single, right?

It sounds like you want your relationship to be moving along faster than it is. If that's the case, talk to him about it. Bring the issue of moving in together back to the surface.

But if he's not comfortable with it, don't push -- your relationship sounds like it's pretty good right now, and there's no reason to threaten it. But if you two do decide to keep taking it slow, you should probably have another long talk with your daughter and tell her that you and "stepdad" probably won't be getting married for quite a while.

EDDIE SAYS:
Yeah, I want to take up the issue of the daughter for a second as well. So you quickly let a man more or less move in with you ... you know that a lot of books would say that makes you a bad parent. I don't necessarily agree with that view, but there are folks with degrees who would tell you to be very cautious about it. And just because a 14-year-old girl tells you she's OK with something doesn't give you permission. You're still the parent.

As to your relationship, bear in mind that someone who has separate rules for his own behavior and that of his partner before marriage is likely going to have something similar for after you tie the knot, should that happy day come to pass.

Until then, I guess I don't see what the problem is. Sounds like he's made it really clear both in words and actions about where he sees things right now. You have the info, you just need to decide if what he can offer at this point is enough for you (factoring in that things could change in the future).

Count yourself lucky; he doesn't feel one way and act another.

Dear Double Take,
OK, I want to give my girlfriend a really good back rub, but I'm not too sure how. Are there any special ways? Special places? Please tell me all I need to know, if possible. Thanks for helping!

EDDIE SAYS:
A lot of guys (especially younger guys) who say, "I want to give my girl a back rub" really mean "I'm looking for an excuse to have a female take off some of her clothing and agree to let me touch her warm, naked skin. And then, you know, maybe we'll move from the touching to ..." You get the point.

By the way, that's an excellent move, because it gives everyone a chance to pretend it's really not going where it's going. But we'll just assume that you're actually trying to relieve your poor sweetie's aching muscles in a chaste manner.

Generally, it's important to start off gently, really just running your hands around, to get the skin -- for both of you -- nice and warm. Take your time and let her mind adjust to being touched and start to relax. Just the quiet -- you were planning to do the candles and soft music thing, right? -- and focusing on her body should get the massagee into a much calmer state. Then you can work on testing more firm techniques, listening for her responses (or outright asking) to find out what she is in the mood for.

A specific move that can be nice is two fingers, using moderately firm pressure on either side of the spine, taking long strokes all the way down, even from the base of the skull all the way down. Do that, and she'll be melting into the bed or carpet in no time.

Then, just as she's totally blissed out... flip her over, lay down and yell, "My turn!"

ALANA SAYS:
Back rubs! They're my favorite -- and likely the favorite of everybody else out there, too.

Back rubs are kind of a personal thing. I used to pride myself on giving great rubs, until I found a couple of guys who didn't think they were so special.

Before you do anything, figure out how your lady likes her rubs. You've probably given her shoulder rubs before, so you've gotten a sense of how hard she likes to be rubbed. Be careful not to rub too hard -- otherwise she'll sit there and brace her way through the rub as not to hurt your feelings (unless you're really hurting her). But enduring a rub that's too gentle is almost as frustrating.

I think the key to a good back rub is variety. Knead for a while (a LONG while), run your fingers lightly over her back for a while, do some light scratching, scissoring, and whatever else you invent. I prefer to be rubbed in my shoulders, and along my shoulder blades -- probably because I sit in front of a computer all day. Keep your fingers alert for muscle knots (you'll feel them -- little hard areas that seem out of place). Other great rubbable areas are her legs and feet. Give them all a little attention. And if you're feeling really inspired, give her head and face a gentle rub, too.

There are fancy oils you can buy to make the rub more sensual, but I prefer the dry rub myself. There are also all kinds of "tools" to enhance back rubs -- mostly hand-held wooden devices that feel funky when rubbed on the skin. You can pick up these products in health and beauty stores.

There are plenty of online resources to give more details, like MassageFree.com. You could also buy a book to walk you through the process.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

Double Take Archive:

How Close Is Too Close?
To Commit Or Quit?
Axing The Exes
Live-In Leaves Her
You Can't Force Relationships
How Much Is Enough?
This One's A Nail-Biter
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More Space, Please
Cold Shoulders, Icy Beds
Will My Man Ever Change?
A Hex On His Ex!
Two Heads Are Better Than One