Need advice? Send your question to Alana & Eddie.

Dear Double Take,
I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and 8 months. She used to live in a city about an hour away from me. So about 6 months ago we got a place here in town. I love her to death and we have even talked about marriage some day.
However, the last few months, she has been making me crazy!! I can't seem to get any time to myself or to spend with my friends. She doesn't have a lot of friends and the ones she does have are back where she use to live. I am always encouraging her to go spend time with them and even to have them come up, but she never seems to want to do that. I have explained to her that I think it's healthy for us to do things on our own or with friends, but she doesn't seem to agree. And when I want to go out with my friends (which I don't ask to do often) she gets an attitude and it always turns into a fight.
I have found myself resenting this more and more, not helping things at home. It has gotten to the point where I don't even bother asking to do things I want to do, to avoid arguing. When I have tried to discuss things with her, she says my friends are more important to me and an argument usually ensues. All we seem to do is fight as of late.
I have NEVER given her any reason not to trust me. As I said, I love her dearly, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Is this relationship doomed?

-- Locked-down Larry

ALANA SAYS:
It's that living-together thing flaring its ugly head! No, actually, this is something that could happen without having a place together.

You see, my friend, it's all about control -- and insecurity. As you said, your lady doesn't have friends in town. Understandably, she needs your attention to keep her from going batty -- but you need some freedom, too.

So you "don't even bother asking to do things" anymore? Who are you living with, your parents? I have no doubt that you love the girl, but you're not married. If you'd like to spend one night a week (or whatever) with your friends, you have every right to do so.

That's not to say you should start spending every evening at your buddy's place watching whatever game happens to be on, but a night or two a week is certainly reasonable.

You said you've talked about this problem with her. But perhaps you have to add more specific requests -- say, like spending time with the guys one week night and one weekend night each week -- or whatever. If this girl is at all rational, she'll know that she can't (and shouldn't) order you to never spend time with your friends. Deciding beforehand how much time you'd like to spend with your friends gives you more ammunition when that time actually arrives.

If she's being unreasonable about it, for heaven's sake, do it anyway. You're right -- it's healthy to spend time away from each other. And it's unhealthy for one member of the relationship to make decisions for the other member.

Now, let's talk about her. She needs to start meeting people who aren't somehow connected to you. Encourage her to join a community or church organization -- a choir, a co-ed team, a play, a political activism group. For her own sanity, she needs to not rely on you so much to curb her loneliness.

If things don't improve, you'll have to give her an ultimatum. You can't live with these kinds of restrictions forever, nor should you be expected to. Just be clear about your feelings when you talk to her about it.

EDDIE SAYS:
I had a girlfriend once ... we spent most of a day together, and it was great. But I had plans that evening to play tennis with some friends. When it came time for me to leave, she flipped out (in a semi-public place, no less). Crying, wailing, begging, etc. Pretty bad stuff, and I couldn't enjoy the time with my friends because I felt guilty.

The main difference between this and your situation is that we were juniors in high school at the time, so it's somewhat forgiveable. Someone old enough to move to another city to be with a guy would, I'd hope, be a bit past that sort of over-clinginess.

So I know where you're coming from. And while there are some who would tell you that if you're pulling more and more away from your friends, then your girl is "winning." And it's even possible that she -- on one level or another -- really does view it in these terms.

But relationships aren't (shouldn't be, anyhow) contests between the two participants. You're searching for -- corporate buzzsport -- a win-win situation, not where someone has to come out on top.

So I won't use any sort of "ground rules" analogy. But you do need to be aware that patterns established early in a relationship will be hard to break later; the longer they're allowed to go on, the better.

And Alana's right: this isn't about jealousy, at least in terms of a lack of trust. Your girl is jealous that you have people to hang out with, while her friends are far away. (Nice of you to suggest that she go visit, but if she can't stand an evening away from you, what makes you think she'd want to go away for a whole weekend?)

Find her a gang of her own; then she can complain to others about your time apart, rather than fighting with you.

Dear Double Take,
My situation is probably not unusual. I have been dating this guy for three months now. We started out as friends, because I was in a relationship and he was dating someone. My relationship ended, and so did his. Another thing to add to this situation is, he just got divorced. He was married for a long time, and hasn't dated that much. Things were going really great, he was telling me serious things, and really getting into me.
Somehow along the way, that became too much for him, and he wanted space. We were dating "exclusively," then it turned into just dating. We still date, and get along great, and I don't want to force a relationship or anything like that. I just don't understand what is going on with him. I think he is scared of the feelings. One day he was feeling all of this, then the next day it all changed. He isn't seeing anyone else, and neither am I. We decided to slow things down, and maybe this is just something I need to give some time with.
I just want to know, when would be the time to ask if we can begin dating exclusively again? We are supposed to be dating other people, but I don't want to date. I only want to date him. It's hard to ask a question, because he isn't very open, and he doesn't communicate his feelings. I don't want to scare him away, I really like him. He is looking for that "perfect person". I wish him luck with that, that's all I can say.

-- When Can I Ask?

EDDIE SAYS:
So you mention how he was telling you very serious things, and that you've had discussions about how much space he needs, etc. But then you say that you can't really ask him about the status of the relationship. What's changed, indeed!

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Sounds like what's changed isn't really how open and honest he is, it's with the answers that you're getting to your questions. You liked them before. Now ... not so much. That's how it is with relationships. They're one way for a while, then they change. Sometimes there's no explaining it, sometimes the answer is pretty obvious.

The truth is that divorce really messes people up. Even if he were staying steady with you, he could just be hiding turmoil under the surface, and eventually it would come out. Pretty common with folks coming out of a situation where they promised to spend their life with someone else. There's not much you can do but give him time to figure it out. If he wants to go back up to the level you had before, he'll find a way to let you know.

My suggestion is that while you stay close enough to hear him calling if your wants ever match up again, you also listen for the sounds of other suitors.

ALANA SAYS:
It sounds like you know the answer to this question already -- you have to give it some time. If it's meant to work out, it will -- and if not, this slowed-down pace will give your guy a chance to figure it out.

Like you said, this guy hasn't dated much. He's probably a little wary about jumping into a serious relationship -- and the fact that he's still dating you may be a clue that he thinks this relationship has potential.

But don't let your fear of scaring him away keep you from being open and honest. If you're confused about what he's thinking -- just ask. Opening the lines of communication certainly can't hurt. And he's your friend, remember? You should be able to talk about these kinds of things. Just don't be pushy about it.

And while you're waiting for this guy to come around, make sure you're not giving more than your part in this relationship. Don't start the precedent of giving more than you're receiving -- or you'll open yourself up to that type of giving forever. Like Eddie said, keep your eyes open for potential "other people" to date -- like he is.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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