Dear Double Take,
My ex-boyfriend and I have not been together for three and a half years. We met when I was 40 he was 48. We were together six months (intense); he was in my life and did not leave during my father's illness and death. Then I suggested he not call me anymore because I felt him pulling back. This is the only thing he ever listened to.
However, I never felt so mentally connected with another person before. I still continue to speak to him and it seems like he is coming around on his own very slowly. He will not close the door completely. He is always asking about my love life, sex life (and I lie about it). I know he had a girlfriend, but now he is willing to meet me every now and then (whereas for two years he would not).
I am confused as to his intentions. I am not sure if we are just friends or if he is up for some more. I know I could ask, but you don't know this character -- you can't ask. Deep down I feel we are very well suited for each other, and this certainly gets in the way of other relationships. Please help.

ALANA SAYS:
Well, if you're not sure and you can't ask, you shouldn't get your hopes up. However, sometimes intuition is enough. For instance, I almost always know when someone is interested in me -- I can just tell. You probably know the feeling. But maybe you're trying to feel something that just isn't there.

There's nothing unusual with the guy's actions. Some of my exes have kept in touch and, depending on the ex, haven't hesitated to ask about my personal life -- with all the gory details. And as far as him not wanting to see you for a while after your breakup -- that's normal, too. Seeing as you were the one to cut him off, he was probably pretty hurt and just needed time to get over you. It sounds like he's trying to be friends.

It sounds like you regret breaking up with the guy and want him back -- but you're not willing to make the move.

If you're truly interested in the guy, you should tell him. Sure, you can keep meeting with him now and then, lying about your relationships, and effectively put your life on hold, but it's too risky -- there's no guarantee he's looking for anything other than friendship with you.

EDDIE SAYS:
If your feelings for him are getting in the way of other relationships, you have no choice but to ask, unless you want to spend the rest of your time on this planet playing the "Does He Or Doesn't He?" game.

Some guys are just slow to move, and need the most obvious signal that the door is open (say, a set of keys to your house) before he'll take that big step. Other guys just love to play the game, keeping the lady in his life dangling like a marionette and enjoying the show all the while.

Whatever his motive, you owe it to yourself to ask. And if, as you say, you can't ask him, well! There's a guy with whom you want to spend the rest of your days. Put it this way -- if you don't ask and he does happen to come around, here's an internal monologue coming to a brain near you:

"Hmm ... does he want chicken or steak for dinner? Can't ask ... Does he prefer the red teddy or the black silk robe and stockings? Can't ask ... Does he love me? Can't ask ..."

If that sounds enjoyable to you, by all means, don't ask, and maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't. But if you want to take control of your life, you have to speak up or he'll forever hold your peace.

Dear Double Take,
I'm 30 years old and single. And I'm not really looking hard, either, as I've realized that often the best things in life will happen on their own, so I'm just living my life as best I can and letting fate do the rest (at the risk of sounding corny, I do feel it's the best way to do things). I would much rather be single than be in a relationship just for the sake of having one, and being single is not as bad as some folks think. Often it is just as fun.
I'm not the kind of person who's trying to keep tabs on everything that's going on in everyone's life around me. But, like most people, I do tend to notice what's going on in the lives of those around me. And on a few occasions, I have even been asked for advice from people who are in situations that need working on. I always call a spade a spade and tell these folks what I feel and what I think, knowing that sometimes it might not be what they want to hear, but rather just the truth.
But I know for a fact that I do NOT have all the answers and that my ways are not everyone's ways. The relationship issues I see are probably what intrigue me the most, because I haven't had many relationships in my life. I think I know the best way to conduct myself in a relationship in order to feel good about the kind of person I am and in order to make the woman with me feel good about it.
Yet those around me have had more relationships than I have. Is there something I have not picked up on that has kept me from having my share of relationships in my life, or am I right in thinking that many relationships will not necessarily make me a better person and that it just might be better to wait it out for someone really good instead of just going out with anybody?
I feel that the quantity is not as important as the quality, but maybe there's something that has prevented me from having more good relationships in my life (or a larger quantity of good quality, if you will). Is there something missing in me or am I on the right track with the way I think?

ALANA SAYS:
As an advice-giver yourself, you should know that there isn't a "right" track to anyone's thinking ... for the most part, anyway. Philosophies behind relationships and dating vary dramatically between social and religious groups -- and from person to person.

If you're most comfortable waiting for Ms. Right to come along, that's just fine. Many people aren't comfortable dating "just anyone." On the other hand, though, are you being too picky? Do you have the "perfect woman" in mind, and if someone doesn't meet the qualifications -- they have no chance?

Part of what makes being single fun is the freedom to experiment -- in all senses of the word. You can abstain from relationships altogether, or you can indulge yourself in as many as you want. ... Or you can take one route for a while, and then the other. It's all in what you're comfortable with.

Dating numerous people before finding the right one doesn't mean you're letting yourself down ... or getting swept into anything "bad." It all depends on how you do it. If you go into your dates as a way to meet people and keep an open mind, dating can be great, and you can learn a lot about different types of people. The trick is to avoid leading on the ladies with whom you don't feel that special bond.

But again, if you're just not comfortable going out with someone you're unsure about, don't do it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with biding your time.

EDDIE SAYS:
Your story reminds me of an old saying: The cobbler's children are the last to have new shoes. Or something like that. Basically what it means is that it's often hard to apply what we do best to our own lives.

So don't feel bad that you haven't figured out this whole relationship thing yet. I like your "quality over quantity" analogy. Too many people -- men, mostly, or so it seems -- never figure that out, and they spend their lives, or at least their 20s and 30s, in an endless string of empty one-nighters or emotionless relationships that last far longer than they should because, well, you're supposed to be dating someone, aren't you?

There's another old saying to keep in mind: To thine own self be true. If you can do that -- without sacrificing the feelings of others, of course -- then you're going to be happy no matter what you decide. Follow your heart -- it will show you the way.

Dear Double Take,
I have been divorced for 2½ years and after one of those years I started seeing my ex. Big mistake -- he really had changed to someone I didn't know, he treated me like someone he had just met/picked up and seemed not to care about. But on our first date he told me he loved me and that he was happy that I was back in his life ... well that was a lie, but I didn't stop the relationship -- I just kept getting hurt more and more.
Well, I finally stopped it last September and I met someone; he was great. I mean, everything seemed to be going right for once in my life; we talked on the phone for two weeks before we actually went out, but after three more weeks his ex-wife found out about me and she went berserk.
Before he decided he couldn't call me anymore, he said a lot of nice things (which he never said during the time we were talking) which hurt. I sometimes wish he had never told me what he told me and I would not have felt hurt, but he did. Why? He said his ex was vindictive and she would never let him be happy, even though she had a boyfriend, who she was always arguing with and would call him about.
I wish he would have left well enough alone; if he had just told me about his ex it would not have hurt as much. Now I am trying to move on but I don't want to get hurt/used anymore. Every guy I have liked since high school has hurt me more than once and I always take them back. What is wrong with me?

LIFE FILES Discuss: Celebrate Unusual Holidays? E-mail: Get Advice Archive: Past LifeFiles

EDDIE SAYS:
What is wrong with you? You're guilty of nothing, my dear, except for the extremely human desire for love and affection. OK, maybe you're a bit naïve in hoping that your leopards will change their spots, but I'd chalk that up to a desire to see the bright side of people.

Or, you could be letting these guys back into your world in an effort to prove to yourself that you didn't make a mistake on them in the first place. Either way, the question you seem to be asking isn't why you take them back, but why they hurt you in the first place. And to this, I say that love is an imperfect science. Men will hurt you, and -- news flash -- you will hurt them. If you stumble onto a hurt-free relationship, by all means, let us know and we'll fly you in for an all-expenses-paid vacation in Realityland.

The key point to ponder is not why you get hurt, but how you respond to it. If the guy ends the relationship and you hang onto his phone number, e-mail address and the ticket stub from the first movie you saw together, you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Over is over, so don't waste good energy on a bad relationship.

If the relationship doesn't end, then chill out, identify the problem and set to work fixing it. In the end, you're going to have to do that sometime if you want to find a partner for life.

ALANA SAYS:
Guys can really drive you crazy, can't they? I had a boyfriend like that once ... a really rocky relationship, in which I forgave him about 20 times more than I should have, and dragged myself through about a year of torture. It wasn't fun.

I'm sure most of us have such horror stories -- but the big question is, do you learn from these mistakes? You recognize that you keep taking these guys back, which makes me think that you realize when a relationship begins to go awry ... but put the blinders on instead of calling it what it is.

Just because the men in your life have hurt you doesn't necessarily make them bad people. But you can't forgive and forget quite so easily. You need to stand up to these guys -- make it clear that you're hurt and communicate how to fix the problems. Maybe they'll surprise you and open up about their feelings, too.

But if a guy doesn't respect you enough to meet you halfway, he's probably not worth crying over.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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