Double Take: How Much Is Enough?

And What To Do About Free-Loading Friends

POSTED: 2:56 p.m. EDT April 16, 2002

UPDATED: 4:02 p.m. EDT April 16, 2002

Need advice? Send your question to Alana & Eddie.

Dear Double Take:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year. Our sex needs are totally different. She is a sexual camel and I . . . well I am a guy. Let me try to give a example: she thinks once a week or week and a half is OK, whereas I think at least twice a week would be OK.
I always seem to instigate, where for her it just seems like a chore. She has never had an orgasm, and she is 23. I feel I have tried to be sensitive, and to be honest, it wasn't until I met her did I actually try to learn more about the woman's body. I have read a couple of books, and tried to show her that this is something that I want to work out because it does affect me. I feel unwanted, unattractive, or that I "just don't do it for her."
I don't feel a relationship should end just because of sex, but I feel like I am getting to the end of my rope.

EDDIE SAYS:
Well, you didn't say how she's responded to you when you've tried to talk to her about it, but I'll assume that whatever her response, it was less than satisfactory to you.

You're in a tough spot, because you're knocking yourself out trying to, uh . . . be there for her, and you're not sure if it's you, or it's her, or what. You say you don't want sex to end this relationship, but I sense that deep down, you know it's important enough to at least be considered a deal-breaker.

Here's the deal -- if you're only getting down with your lady once every 10 days or so now, while you're young, energetic and not tied down with multiple responsibilities, well, you're not going to be getting more 10 years from now. So this is a problem you need to reconcile now.

But there's hope. Ask her to see her doctor, get a physical and make sure that her toolkit is in full working order. It could be that something's not quite right down there, and no matter what you do, you'll never break through.

There's also the counseling option -- either together, to work through the problem, or her going solo to see if there's something in her past that's keeping her from enjoying sex.

And if she refuses to go down either route for you, then it's time to consider pulling the cord on this relationship. You say you don't want to end a relationship just because of sex, but a lifetime of frustration is nothing to shoot for either -- and trust me, your hopes/expectations of twice a week are not unrealistic.

ALANA SAYS:
I'm also very curious as to her side of the story on this. Does your lady say that it doesn't bother her that she doesn't get as much pleasure out of sex as you would like her to? Does she think it's important enough to work through?

In trying to make the experience pleasurable for you both, you've done your part. It's up to her whether she wants to investigate this further. She has to find out what "does it" for her -- and I don't mean a different guy; I mean techniques. Chances are she's just never really done any "trouble-shooting," if you will.

As you've probably learned, sexual pleasure isn't quite as obvious for women. Even the books might not tell you what works for this particular lady. This is something you have to figure out together -- or she has to figure out on her own.

Talk to her about it. Buy books together. Do some research. Experiment. If none of this works, then a visit to a doctor -- or counselor -- may be a good option.

However, if she insists that sex is a minor part of the relationship and it just doesn't matter to her, then there's not a whole lot more you can do. You'll have to decide how important it is to you, and how it stacks up among other aspects of the relationship.

Dear Double Take:
I go out a lot for my job and I always have friends who invite themselves to go with me. This puts me in an awkward position because I'm the one who's invited. I find myself calling the places that have invited me and asking for a spare ticket or two.
A few times I've even paid for the ticket and not told the friend because I didn't know how to bring it up -- since they know that I'm getting invited gratis.
What do you advise?

ALANA SAYS:
Well, the simplest solution would be to keep quiet about your plans. If they don't know you're going out, they can't invite themselves along.

However, you're probably looking for a longer-term solution than that one. It might seem a bit strange to tell them the whole story now, after they've put you in a tight place a few times already. Perhaps you could subtly tell them your dilemma by using a "friend's" story or something . . . or you can tell one friend that another one had imposed on your plans and you felt bad bringing it up. When your friend hears this story, he/she will probably get the hint.

If all else fails, you could tell them that your employers just enacted a new policy that limits the free tickets to one -- for you.

EDDIE SAYS:
It's all about backbone, sweetheart. Do you let people walk all over you in all phases of your life? Take this simple quiz with me:

1. When you leave the drive-thru and find out you got a Whopper Jr. with cheese when you actually ordered a Whopper, no mayo, you: a. scrape off the cheese and mayo, sigh, and say, "Oh woe is me!"; b. go back and ask them to fix the problem.

2. When you're at the movies, and you find yourself in front of a seat-kicking, cell-phone-talking, cola-slurping freak, you: a. shrug your shoulders, eat more popcorn and say, "Oh woe is me!"; b. turn around and tell the thug to straighten up and fly right.

3. When you hail a cab, and somebody else jumps in the back seat before you can get in, you: a. curse your fate, say "Oh woe is me!" and look for another cab; b. stand up for yourself to the cab interloper.

If you answered "a" to any or all of those questions, you need a backbone infusion. If you answered "b" to the questions, you have sufficient spine to deal with anything life throws your way.

As for your friends? Tell them you don't have a ticket for them, as much as you'd like them to join you, or if you really do want them to join you, let them know the cost and availability of tickets to said event.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every Wednesday.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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